Back agian...finally, to blog...here is my question today- Are you God's Critic?

So, I haven't blogged in a long time, not since the twins died. God is so faithful.
Since March God has truly worked in my heart until he has all of it again! I thought from my March ramblings (see the post just before this one) that God had my heart even in the midst of the pain. But, I am finding that I had withheld a bit and actually entertained the thought that God "owed me" my babies...more babies...somehow. Not true.
I had been reading Job (book in the Bible) in June/July/August (yes, it took me that long to get through the very meaty book) and found that I may ask of God, I may tell God my heart, my feelings and such but I better be ready when God answers me, responds to me, and rebukes me!!
Job lost his children, everything he owned, his home- everything! And afterward he has quite a conversation with God about it all- then God responds to him...I Love THIS! God responding to the created man!
So, in the book Job speaks of wisdom, of his blessing, and then of his anguish of all that God has taken. His friends remind him of all of God's attributes that basically would point somehow to Job being unfaithful to God...but his friends are wrong! Job does not sin in his anguish!
But he did argue a bit- questioning God's ruling on his pain and his loss...and this was where I found myself these last few months, questioning God on his ruling concerning my babies.
So....then God..........Job 38-42
"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much.....

Have you commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east?....

Can you direct the movement of the stars- binding the cluster of the Pleiades or loosening the cords of Orion?...

Can you make lightning appear and cause it to strike as you direct?...

Have you given the horse its strength or clothed its neck with a glowing mane? .....

Do you still want to argue with the Almighty?

You are God's critic, but do you have the answers?"

Aaahhhh....see there, I was being God's critic...but, I did NOT have the answers!
And I like Job had to respond:
"I am nothing- how could I ever find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say."

Then, God tells Job about Himself....after this, Job responds to God that before this time of suffering he had heard ABOUT God, but now had seen him with his own eyes (God's works...heard his voice), then, he says,
"I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance."
After this, God restored Job!!!!!!!!!!

SO...this is so important to me, I feel as though all my life I have known about God, even have a relationship with him but it seems that when I go through suffering I learn to KNOW God because I literally do not have THE ANSWERS that will make the suffering have some sense to it! I have to rely on the fact that GOD IS GOD....he can command, he can decide, he can orchastrate whatever and whomever he wants-to do whatever he wants and it WILL ultimately bring him glory and the person he is working with will either become stronger because they are choosing to listen and learn from God or they will become weaker because they are fighting the very molding and teaching that God is trying to do through the suffering.

AND....the thought that the suffering and the pain eventually leads to strenth and restoration in my spirit...WOW!!!

Anyway, I have decided to stop.....being a critic! Instead, I want to focus on the mighty God, what he will do, how he does it and how can learn from it!!! TEACH ME, OH GOD!!!

So, the Lord blessed Job after this whole thing. He gave him more children, lands and such. But, he doesn't always bless us in this way- sometimes his blessing is the strength he sends, the lesson learned, the Body of Beleivers that come along side you to help and love you, and sometimes it is just the blessing of KNOWLEDGE- the knowing that HE IS GOD and he has chosen YOU to be in his plan and he doesn't abandon you!!!

So...I am back to blogging (was told to try agian...so here we go..). I am hoping to just share again the lessons I learn along the way, the way the Lord leads me to LIVE ...to SING...
At this time, I am in the midst of rejoicing that my God has restored my JOY and my love for the life he has given me at this moment!

Have a wonderful day....look to see HIS MAJESTY in everything around you...look to see HIS plans....they will definitely be different then what you probably had decided for yourself! Go with it....His plans are best!!!!

The Faithfulness of the WORD in the midst of sorrow...Goodbye my precious little ones...

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. HIS FAITHFUL PROMISES ARE YOUR ARMOR AND PROTECTION............(Psalm 91 :1-4 but continue to read!!!!)

"When we speak truth about God and about what He has promised us, while refusing to believe the lies of the enemy, it causes us to believe God stronger than before. That is not to say we should deny we have problems or struggles, but the way we interpret them may be different. Satan wants us to believe that God has abandoned us and reneged on His promises, but God wants us to know that His pormises are always true in spite of what we can see from our limited human perspective. By asserting our belief in His promises in prayer, we put ourselves in a position to see a lot more from God's perspective and a lot less from the enemy's." (This is a paragraph that I read from "The Power of Praying Through the Bible", by Stormie Omartian p.12)

Psalm 91:4 and Ephesians 6:10-18 mirror one another. These past weeks I have had to truly STAND on the Word of God so that I didn't drown in the midst of feeling completely helpless to save my babies. My family and I wanted these children so much but God had only ordained these babies' days to be very short. At first I was miserable, I wanted to curl up and shut out the world. Then I opened God's Word and read through many verses, chapters and books. I asked for God to help me see HIM through the deep waters of grief and helplessness. I want to list for you the many passages that God brought to me to comfort me, to encourage me, to admonish me when I looked down into the waters that threatened to drown me, to lift me up out of the grave...

Psalm 116- my heart breaks, Romans 8:26,27,28- Holy Spirit, pray for me
Psalm 34- I cry for your help, I will praise you
Psalm 6
Psalm 16- my soul rests, He is beside me, I am not abandoned.
Psalm 138, 139- wow, my babies and I were loved and are still loved
Psalm 23
Psalm 42- I need you, Lord..more than anyone else...
Psalm 46
Psalm 61,62,63- thank you, Lord
Psalm 91, 100- Praise Him!
Psalm 121- my source of help!
John 14:1-30, 15:1-17, 16:12-15, 17:1-26
Romans 8- praise my Lord...he loves me and nothing changes that!
11 Corinthians 1:3-11 There is purpose to this grief.
Ephesians 6:10-18 God does not abandon me, he equips me.
James 1:2-8, 12, 17-18 I can grow....
1 Peter 4:7-11- thank you my sisters and brothers
1 Peter 5:2- thank you my dear Pastors!!!
Romans 12- my Harvest family- thank you for being a BODY, for serving, for loving....

When the WORD states that God's Word is alive it is something to truly stand on. I have been completely sheltered by the Word, loved by the Word, strengthened by the Word, and made ready to again live, love, and sing by the Word.

"In the beginning THE WORD already existed. He was with God, and he was God. he was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make. Life itself was in him, and this life gives light to everyone. The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it." (John 1:1-5)

I am so glad that THE Word I read is also the THE WORD that holds me from day to day.
His mercies are new every morning.
Praise our Almighty God!
Thank you for letting me share my heart today.
To all those who have experienced loss of a child/children or just emotionally found themselves in a place that felt like deep waters pulling you under.....
Know this:
The Lord is faithful and HE IS REAL!

Long time since the last post....and what an adventure I am having!!

Well, I realize that it has been 2 months and 2 days since my last post. Yikes!
Truly, Thanksgiving and then Christmas just took over my time! I haven't felt so good either. Ha ha...there is a reason for that. Most likely in August 2009 we will be welcoming a new little one into our home. Yes, I am expecting my fourth child. It has been such a fun journey to this moment. My kids have been praying and asking for a new sibling for the past three years. Personally, I really thought that God has closed my womb. Then here we are...pregnant!
It is so like the Lord to give you a surprise, to be just like who He is- a loving parent who enjoys giving good gifts to his children. I am so thankful to Him for this baby growing inside me.

This past Sunday we had a lady come to speak from the local Women's Center (an alternative safe place that gives options to pregnant girls, options other than abortion!). She read to us from Psalm 139. As I was listening it just struck me that at this very moment my baby's "delicate, inner parts" were being formed,and he or she was being knit together in my womb. The verse that really just captured my heart was verse 16, "You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day passed." Isn't this incredible? My child hasn't even started life outside of forming and being made yet God has fully and completely recorded the future for him or her. How good is my God.
This is what gives me the trust that I have in him. He knows me, he knows my child, he has us in his hands. I encourage to read through Psalm 139:1-18, it is so encouraging.